There’s no denying it; homeschooling is an all-in commitment. As a parent, you’re choosing the dream of a nontraditional education at the expense of a lot — your free time, your personal space, and most definitely your grocery bill. (Side eye, second breakfast.)
So what happens if your partner isn’t on board? Can you create a thriving, vibrant homeschooling atmosphere without the help of a supportive spouse? And how can you invite an unconvinced partner into your family-wide learning experience? Today, we’re digging into the mechanics of homeschooling when it feels like only one parent is championing the idea…
First of all, there are likely two issues at play here. Assuming you currently have a co-parenting partner (if not, skip straight to the bottom paragraph!), you might find yourself in either of these scenarios: (a) your partner isn’t on board with the idea of homeschooling at all, or (b) he/she is on board, but isn’t as involved as you might need him/her to be. Don’t worry! We’ll tackle both of these issues below.
First: what to do if your spouse isn’t on board with the idea of homeschooling…
Let’s be clear – one parent is always going to be more “into” homeschooling than the other one. That’s the beauty of relationships – we’re not fully, 100% aligned in any direction at any given moment. We’re not exact replicas of one another! But getting closely aligned – as close as possible – will help ease a lot of tension along the way. And for most of us, it starts with a simple mindset shift.
Here’s the truth – when we say that our partner isn’t on board with homeschooling, what we usually mean is: our partner isn’t on board with what he/she thinks of homeschooling. Maybe your spouse doesn’t think the kids will get the socialization they need. Maybe he/she thinks the decision to homeschool will be too much of a burden on the family finances. Maybe he/she has never seen homeschooling in action and it’s really overwhelming to envision what if even looks like! Or, maybe your spouse has seen it in action and has a whole slew of preconceived notions as a result.
(By the way, if any of the above examples are true for you, I’d highly recommend sending them straight to our workshop to dispel some of those myths.)
But here’s the thing: these are all really deeply-held fears that have very little to do with the methodology of homeschooling. They’re rooted in common desires like security, or social norms, or comfort – and all of those are OK! But once you shift the conversation away from the fear and toward the possibility, it changes dramatically. Here’s how…
Sometimes, getting on the same page in anything – homeschooling, parenting, lifestyle – involves addressing the goal first, and the method later. What’s the bigger picture? Try sitting down with your partner and talking through some shared goals you have. Do you want to foster empathy in your family? Do you want freedom over what your kid is learning? Do you love to travel? Do you want your kids on the Ivy League track? Start with the end in mind: what’s the ultimate goal?
Once you can find an aligned goal, you can begin to do research on the different methods, pedagogies, and options that can point the way there. Maybe you’ll fall in love with forest learning, Charlotte Mason, unschooling, Montessori, or classical education. Maybe you’ll lean toward a hybrid model with all of the above! Or maybe you’ll find that a more traditional setting is the best fit for everyone. Each option has a trade-off; each method will contain compromise. By getting clear about what we’re willing to compromise on, we can begin to have an honest conversation surrounding the details of what homeschooling might look like for our unique families.
Remember: the mechanics of homeschooling matter far less than we think they do, and there is always room for course corrections along the way! But connecting over the goal first will ensure you’re both headed in the right direction – together.
So what happens if your spouse is on board, but you need him/her to be more involved?
For starters, know this: you’re not alone. A recent New York Times study said that over 80% of women in dual-parent households are currently overseeing their kids’ education, regardless of whether or not they, too, are working. Take it from Shelby, one of our members, who writes this:
“My husband knows that we need to be on top of [homeschooling] but sometimes I feel like I’m shouldering the majority of this adventure. I’d like to involve him more and do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel forced. It’s like he wants to, but doesn’t quite know how to start?”
Can you relate? Below, let’s explore a few ways to potentially involve a second parent that might help alleviate a bit of the mental load…
- Ask. I know – it feels like our partners should already “know” what’s necessary and step in proactively, but the truth is, a LOT of the behind-the-scenes work gets overlooked. So the first step in involving your spouse is to communicate what would help you the most. Maybe it’s not even homeschooling as much as it is taking other duties off your list, like dish duty or dinner prep. Maybe it’s granting you an hour each evening to take a long, quiet walk after a long day. Or maybe it’s covering the subjects that bring the most frustration (fractions, anyone?!) and having your partner take that over during the weekend. It could be all of the above! Whatever it is, ask. See what you can let go of, what your partner can help you carry, and/or what needs to go altogether.
2. Release. Once you’ve both settled on a way your partner can be involved, now comes the hard part: let your partner be involved! Resist the temptation to micro-manage, correct, or coerce him/her into doing it the way YOU do it. If your kids are lucky enough to have two parents, let them have two living, breathing, vastly different parents. They’ll benefit all the more from witnessing different communication styles, tactics, and strategies in the adults around them.
3. Brainstorm. Think beyond the classroom. What are some life skills that your partner actually wants to pass along to the kids? Maybe it’s forest bathing, or changing the oil in a car, or tiling a backsplash, or perfecting a football spin. Life skills are equally important in terms of your child’s education, so let your partner take the lead on some things they’d like to share with the kids. It might not be a common core standard, but it’s a new connection your child is forming – both with a present parent AND with a new subject matter entirely. That’s definitely a win/win!
4. Repeat. Find a ritual worth repeating that your partner can take ownership over. Maybe it’s nightly read-alouds, or checking math in the evenings. Maybe he/she is in charge of nature walks on the weekends, or dreaming up a Sunday afternoon science project. Whatever you choose together, add it to the calendar on repeat so you’ll all rest easy knowing it’s going to get done. (And of course, have grace if it doesn’t. We ALL have those days.)
Finally, a word to single parents:
Yes, you can homeschool as a single parent. Will you need support? Absolutely. But that support can come in a myriad of ways – from doting grandparents to helpful neighbors to wise mentors to family friends to outsourced tutors. Homeschooling on your own means strengthening those creative, scrappy muscles and coming up with solutions that make sense for your unique household. Can you find a job that allows for your children to experience life alongside you? One of our members started a neighborhood daycare so she can teach not only her kids, but other kids at the same time! Another member applied to assist at a CSA farm so her children could come along. (“Sometimes we get to practice times tables and recite poetry while we’re in the fields!” she writes.) Another member started a side business as a virtual assistant so she can work during nap times and after bedtime. (“I’ll turn on an audio book when I’m on a deadline!”)
Does it take grit to make it all work? Absolutely. Is it worth it? You get to decide. Every circumstance is wildly different.
And remember – always – if you need help, brainstorming, we’re here.