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I get down on her level and try to name the emotions – “You feel so frustrated/sad/upset.” I try to get her to say it too. It does seem to diffuse things most of the time. :)
So important, Adrienne! We love getting down on our littles’ levels – any words are far less intimidating that way!!! Thanks for sharing! :)
I like that Adrienne! And that type of response works for us allllllllmost 100% of the time. But I will say, at the risk of throwing my mom COMPLETELY under the bus, when our kids come home from her house having had, “Just a little taste of frosting” (which we all know means just shy of a handful), there is no containing the amount of energy in our little ones. They act like COMPLETELY different children.
I remember one time, our daughter came home from Grandma’s house and was rolling on our floor crying about nothing she could describe. Once she burned the energy out (and we just let her) she explained that they stayed up “really late watching a movie,” then woke up and had multiple pancakes with syrup. Zoiks. Not a recipe for a solid 4 year old. :)
Similarly, when my toddler is melting down because she’s angry at her little brother or she stubbed her toe, she loves when I respond in kind, “OUCH! That had to hurt!” or “AAAGHHH!” or “OH MAN!”
Doing this acknowledges her feelings and lets her know I hear her, I see and understand her, and I’m right there with her. She also finds it pretty silly when Mama exclaims loudly WITH her.
May I ask how you handle whining? Im very irritated by this attitude and I almost instantly snap which I regret afterwards 😭
I just say “could you try again in your usual voice? I want to understand you.” I may need to say it two or three times once in a while, but I’ve found that staying totally calm and waiting to hear them out reduces whining over time. It comes up mostly when they feel unheard, in my opinion, but can certainly become more of a habit when it isnt addressed specifically.
Whining is so tough! We also use the “I’m sorry I can’t understand you when you speak like that.” line and it usually gets them to at least say it without whining. If they want something and are whining “I want more milk” I’ll say, “Hmm, that’s a statement, not a request. If you’d like help with your milk problem, I’d try making a polite request and see what happens.” Now that it’s not a habit, I think they just have to try it out every once in a while to see if it’ll get them what they want more quickly!
The whining drives me bonkers! If my daughter is using a whining voice instead of manners, I’ll correct her like Emily said. But a lot of the time she’s whining because she’s tired, and it’s wanting something that I can’t deliver – “I miss my Mimi (grandma)!” “I don’t want to go to dance in the morning!” “I want you to stay in bed with me!” “I want Santa to come RIGHT NOW!” – and no amount of reasoning with her works (and if I try to reason, it turns into a lecture, and I get even more annoyed – NO WIN). One night a couple weeks ago, I was lying next to her at bedtime, and she started whining, and all I had the energy to do was to literally repeat what she said. And it worked! She whines, “I want to see my cousins NOW!” I say (in a totally matter-of-fact voice), “You want to see your cousins.” She whines, “I don’t want to go to the doctor, I want to stay home!” and I repeat, “You don’t want to go to the doctor, you want to stay home.” It seems to give her the validation she needs, and it requires pretty much zero brain power on my end – and with three young kids, that’s about all I can manage these days!
YES, yes, YES! <33
Reading through this thread gave me such a boost of affirmation. Seeing the same techniques we use repeated by others makes me feel so excited (and encouraged) that I’m not the only one taking the gentler, more toddler-focused road ;)This was soooo refreshing to read!! My 3.5 has been so whiney lately, and reading these techniques affirmed my actions. I’m NOT perfect by any means, but it helps me understand that I am not alone!
My 1 year old can’t really say all the words she need to tell me why she is throwing a tantrum. (I’m sure it’s terrible for her) but I feel like she’s just screaming and whining all day. Trying to be patient. Any suggestions on how to diffuse the situation till she can say more?
I do what Adrienne has stated. My husband and I try to get on our littles level. We ask her to breathe. Even though, she’s not two yet, she understands when she gets extremely overwhelmed. Sometimes, I even lay her head on my chest and I calmly say we are going to take 5 big breaths together. We try so hard to be patient because we know that she cannot vocalize how she is really feeling, so we do that mental checklist in our brain!
My four year old knows better but I get whines or sass now again. Usually a calm “Try again” from me serves as a conflict-free redirection. As for the big meltdowns, I do what you all do. Help her identify the emotions, match her anger/frustration/sadness, and go from there.
My son is 2. Acknowledging his wants and feelings go along way – “I hear you. You want to go outside. Mommy will take you outside after we finish __. We will do outside! We will finish __, then put on your shoes, and then go outside!” Also, if he is throwing a tantrum over wanting something we don’t have (or something that I don’t want him to have at the time), I will offer choices between two things we do have – “I see you are upset because you want yogurt, but we don’t have yogurt. We have peaches or pears! Oh wow – these look yummy! Which one would you like – peaches or pears? You pick!” Sometimes he is still stuck on the thing he wanted to begin with, but most of the time he will make a choice when I am really upbeat and positive about his two choices. Songs also really help to distract and shift the mood. :)
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