We all want our kids to be lifelong friends, right? But in these early, sticky days of tantrums and hair-pulling and “It’s not fair!,” fostering friendships between siblings can often feel like a completely unattainable goal. In fact, research suggests that kids aged 2-4 fight or disagree EVERY 6.3 minutes! But don’t fret. With these 8 tips in your parenting arsenal (and a whole bushel of patience!), you can help your kids establish a healthy friendship they can fight for – and through! – for years to come.
Promote co-play.
You know the old adage “Never wake a sleeping baby?” Childhood development expert Dr. Laura Markham has a similar philosophy: Never interrupt a happily playing child. Because our closest friendships are linked by shared, positive experiences, it’s paramount to integrate fun and playfulness into the days and lives of our children. Luckily, they’re pros at this! Let them be bored together, and watch in wonder as they create enough memories to last a lifetime.
Did you know? Science suggests there’s a secret ratio between positive and negative emotions in healthy relationships. For siblings to form a close bond, positive interactions need to outnumber negative ones by about 5 to 1.
Action Step: Oxytocin helps! The more we experience a natural boost of “the love hormone,” the closer we feel connected to one another. Try taking frequent walks outdoors with your kids, laughing together, or letting them roughhouse to release healthy doses of oxytocin throughout the day.
Plan family adventures.
Think back to your own childhood; what memories feel the most peaceful, warm, or content? For most of us, trips, adventures, and vacations top the list – especially when recollecting moments with siblings. Whether your family adventure involves a day-long quest for the best local pizza or summer weeks spent at the lake, Sharpie it on the calendar and make it happen. Often times, when we’re far removed from our everyday environment, we’re quicker to seek familiarity and comfort through the people we’re adventuring alongside — even the most annoying brother ever!
Action Step: Let your littles make the plans! Clinical psychologist Trish Purnell-Webb recommends each member of the family gets a few days a year where they got to decide what to do that day – and everyone attends and participates. In fact, when her youngest daughter chose a Barbie doll expo and her older brothers grumbled, they quickly found a way to enjoy themselves once they arrived. “Twenty-five years later, that’s the day she remembers as great because her brothers supported her.”
Avoid comparison.
Because rates of sibling rivalry are lower when everyone’s place in the family is respected and valued, it’s important to help your kids find their voice within the greater context of the family dynamic. One rule of the thumb? Avoid comparing one child’s progress, mistakes, or successes to another. Celebrate everyone’s unique role in the family, ensuring efforts are praised as much as outcomes.
Action Step: Remember, fairness is often a matter of perception. When a toddler notices he has a smaller snack portion than his big brother, there’s a perceived inequality (even though his brother is older!) Keep this script in your back pocket: “Fair doesn’t always mean equal. I can’t ensure you will both have equal amounts of everything, but I can be sure you will each have your needs met.”
Prioritize conflict resolution.
In conflict resolution, we’re not concerned with who’s to blame, or who was right, or who “won.” Our job isn’t to smooth over our kids’ disagreements, but to teach our kids how to disagree well – with respect for the other person’s perspective. By teaching our kids to navigate their own role in a fight, they’re learning the valuable lesson that we can’t control how others react, but we CAN control how we act.
Action Step: Practice narrating a disagreement by (1) stating the problem and (2) allowing each child the opportunity to acknowledge their role in it. The best way to do this (while avoiding a longer battle of “he said/she said”!) is to say what you see. For example, if your kids rush into the room because they’re fighting over a toy, you might say, “It sounds like you both want to play with that right now.” Once the facts are straight and everyone’s in agreement about the problem itself, you can step back and help your kids take ownership over a solution by asking, “OK. What feels fair?”
Incorporate emotional regulation.
Establish a few cool-off zones in the home where an overwhelmed kid can go if he/she needs to self-regulate, e.g. a treehouse, a favorite chair, a canopy over a bed. Let your child choose their own unique spot and decorate it in whatever calming manner they’d like. The goal? Retreating to their “cool-off zone” when they can feel themselves spiraling out of control. This is a great way to practice self awareness before a fight even begins, and also to teach our kids that they’re far better able to find solutions once they’ve had a chance to calm themselves.
Action Step: Parents need cool-off zones, too! Model this for your children, whether you sneak out to take a few deep breaths on the back deck or take deep breaths in the quiet of your bedroom.
Understand the family dynamic.
Believe it or not, our kids often forget that we were once kids, too! Wherever you were in your first family’s birth order, remind your kids that you can relate to their plight. Empathy goes a long way in interpersonal relationships, and helping your kids realize that you’ve been in their shoes will offer a calming sense of guidance and mentorship for every scenario to come.
Action Step: Tell a story from your childhood about a time where you and your sibling bonded. Reminisce over that afternoon you got stuck in the rain on your bikes, or the time you shared your first Dip’n’Dots, or even the summer you cut the hair off your sister’s Barbie and she (eventually) forgave you! Avoid giving yourself the “Savior” role; our kids love hearing about our failures as much as our triumphs.
Promote independent problem-solving.
When our kids are in the middle of a fight and tensions are running high, many of us have the tendency to rush in so we can smooth over the intense emotions before they erupt into chaos. But unless our kids are in danger, this technique only stifles them from communicating their needs and problem-solving as a team. The bottom line? Resist the temptation to step in too early.
Action Step: Set a simple ground rule or phrase for your children to practice independent problem-solving, like the one our member Brittni shares with her two boys: “Come get me if you feel unsafe.” For all else, let your littles practice working it out together – without you as judge or jury.
Consider a conflict contract.
Emotional regulation is so important in order to embrace a successful conflict. Work with your kids to make a list of all permissible actions they can take when they’re feeling annoyed, irritated, or mad. The list might include things your child feels like doing but isn’t allowed to (e.g. hitting a brother, throwing a toy, running away) and things your child is allowed to do instead (e.g. hitting a pillow, throwing a football outside, running around the house 5 times). By creating a “conflict contract,” each family member has a set of boundaries to work within until they can problem-solve a solution.
Action Step: Write these actions down (or let younger kids doodle them!) and let all family members sign it – then post it to the fridge!
It’ll take years for our kids to learn just how much the work of familial relationships will pay off (after all, many of us parents are still learning this!). But the good news is this: they’re learning every single day. With each positive memory, shared experience, and repaired conflict, they’ll be taking steps toward a bright and beautiful friendship for years to come.